The Outlaw Jesse Ryder

In which Wild Abe de Villiers and his vile gang get their just desserts. Or maybe not

25-Oct-2014

Jesse Ryder was careful enough to indicate exactly how many granola bars he had subsisted on over the week, but it was no use  •  Getty Images

Starring
Russell Crowe as Jesse Ryder
Kermit the Frog as Sheriff Hesson
Hugh Jackman as Deputy McCullum
Lee Harvey Oswald as Dangerous Dale Steyn
Matt Damon as Wild Abraham de Villiers
Harry Potter as "Mild" Dan Vettori

Scene: A dingy saloon bar in the dangerous frontier town of Auckland. Old Coney is playing a tune on the piano while dodging the flying beer bottles from his appreciative audience

First Cowboy: Give me a shot of rotgut, bartender.

Bartender: There you go.

First Cowboy: It's quiet in here tonight .

Bartender: It won't be for long. Wild Abraham and his gang are in town. They've been terrorising folks for days now.

First Cowboy: Ain't there no one who can stop him?

Second Cowboy: There might be one man

First Cowboy: Who?

Second Cowboy: Ever heard of an outlaw called Jesse Ryder?

First Cowboy: I heard of him. Wasn't he run out of town for disciplinary infractions?

Second Cowboy: Yep. He turned up in Lincoln last week. They say he hit eight sixes and 18 fours and when he'd finished, them boundary hoardings was full of more holes than a swiss cheese. He's the only one who can save us now.

Enter Wild Abraham, Dangerous Dale and assorted South Africans, wearing green-and-yellow shirts, wielding ivory-handled cricket bats and looking kind of mean

Wild Abe: I thought I told you people, this is our saloon now. Get 'em Dale!

Dangerous Dale unleashes a volley of late inswinging yorkers, smashing up Coney's piano and forcing everyone to hide under the tables

Sheriff: Not so fast, Abraham.

Wild Abe: Well look who it is. I told you before, Sheriff, I ain't afraid of you. Now get out of my way.

Sheriff: Your behaviour is in breach of several New Zealand Cricket regulations, Wild Abraham. I suggest you come quietly.

Wild Abe: I don't care about no regulations. Get him, Morne!

Morne picks up Sheriff Hesson and puts him on a particularly high shelf

Sheriff: You'll pay for this, Wild Abraham!

Wild Abe: Says who? Ain't nobody in this tin-pot country going to stand up to me.

Enter the outlaw Jesse Ryder accompanied by stirring music

Jesse: Care to step outside Abe?

Wild Abe: Jesse Ryder? It can't be! I thought you were all washed up!

Jesse: What say we finish this the old-fashioned way?

Wild Abe: You mean on Twitter?

Jesse: No. I mean outside. With expensive cricket bats.

Wild Abe: Oh, right. Sure, that works for me too.

Outside in the dusty street, Jesse Ryder and Wild Abraham face one another. The townsfolk hide behind doors and windows. The clock ticks round slowly towards high noon

Sheriff: Wait! I just had a telegram from Lincoln. Jesse, did you have two fried eggs for breakfast before your last match?

Jesse: Yeah, what about it?

Sheriff: In that case, Jesse Ryder, I am arresting you for exceeding the recommended daily intake of cholesterol in violation of New Zealand Cricket's nutritional guidelines and for being a bit chubby.

Jesse: Dammit, Sheriff, it was just a couple of fried eggs.

Sheriff: Fried eggs is fried eggs, Jesse, you know the rules. Cuff him, Brendon!

McCullum: Er, Sheriff, not that I'm questioning your authority, but how we going to stop them South Africans running riot now Jesse's going back to jail?

Sheriff: Simple, Brendon. Our superior tactics and home advantage will enable us to defeat these ruffians and go on to win the World Cup.

Wild Abe: Get 'im boys!

McCullum: So what's the plan, Sheriff? Sheriff?

Sheriff Hesson runs down the street, waving his arms in the air

Sheriff: Run Deputy McCullum! Run!

Dale Steyn Morne Morkel AB de Villiers Jesse Ryder Brendon McCullum Mike Hesson New Zealand South Africa South Africa tour of New Zealand [October 2014]

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. @hughandrews73