Appearances invariably deceive, mate

(Two cricket fanatics with their views on world cricket from a Dunedin sofa)

"Life is good in Dunedin, mate. The sun is pouring down like honey, and Otago have cleared out in front on the Shell Cup points table, thrashing the best the North Island can muster."

"I think we can take a lot of the credit for that pal, we called this one last week when we accurately dissected the strength that is Otago cricket."

"We did that, without, I might add, a shred of acknowledgement from the nation's media, or, indeed, the TAB."

"I tell you, I like this Warren McSkimming."

"You have to like McSkimming. Is he by chance related to the great Barney McSkimming, who used to tear the Otago Trial apart with his bare hands back in the 1970s?"

"I believe Barney is the father, yes. Probably the finest hitter of the ball I've ever seen." "Without a doubt he was that. Of course, the McSkimmings hail from up on the Maniototo, nursery of the nation's finest."

"Mandy Smith."

"Mandy Smith as you say. But yes, McSkimming has been doing the business with both bat and ball for Otago, under pressure. I take my hat off to him."

"Good to see the West Indies finally scoring a run."

"Well mate, everyone scores runs in Adelaide. Even Jeff Crowe scored runs in Adelaide. But I'm wondering about Steve Waugh's absence from that test."

"He was injured."

"Yes, but it's the nature of the injury that concerns me, mate. 'Strained buttock muscles' - you have to ask how one could actually strain a buttock muscle. I would hope the relentless investigative skill of the Australian media will see this one through to its natural end - the ramifications are significant."

"The Australian media will get to the bottom of it I'm sure. One would not wish to see an injury of this type rear in the already injury-savaged CLEAR Black Caps."

"Any comments on our Test team for Boxing Day?"

"Well, cobber, I'm the last one to throw praise at a Canterbury cricketer, but I do feel sympathy for Gary Stead. I mean, Richardson and Hornet are right for the openers' job, but I like Stead down the order playing an Ian Healey rescuer role. Correct me if I am wrong, but the man barely failed for New Zealand, and they threw him back into the Shell stuff like he was an undersized fish."

"You're right. We've made this mistake before with guys who don't look flash but always get the job done at test level. They never picked Chatfield until he was about 36. And that fellow Miller who took ten for Australia looks like a second-grader. "

"Inzamam-ul-Haq."

"Absolutely. One look at The Haq and you wouldn't give him a job running a turnstile at Carisbrook. Yet only Tendulkar bats better. And you'd travel a long way to see an uglier strokeplayer than Twose, but he's rated second in world one-dayers - behind Bevan, who can't handle anything above 130k. I tell you mate, in cricket, appearances invariably deceive."