Tendulkar mulls Ponting retirement

Hot Spot ruins commentator's moment, life
A commentator who waxed ecstatic about a square drive, explaining why it was "the shot of the day so far", had his world cave in on him when Hot Spot showed the ball had actually been edged, and not middled "off the meat of the bat" as he had suggested. The chastened commentator went home later that day, drew a hot bath, poured himself a drink, and stared emptily into space as he contemplated the sobering thought that maybe he hadn't found his true calling in life after all. "Maybe I'm not as good at this as I think I am," he whimpered to his wife. "Could it be that I've chosen the wrong path? Should I have pursued my passion for painting instead?" "No," his wife said in response. "Oh God, no."

SA credit fabulous, handsome new-look attack for series win
It was South Africa's tit-for-tat tactics in the final Test that enabled them to win the series against Australia, according to Gary Kirsten. In order to neutralise any advantage Australia might have held over them by fielding a fresh, new-look pace attack they hadn't yet faced in the series, the Proteas decided to counter with a new-look attack of their own, the coach explained.

"Our bowlers certainly looked different," said Kirsten. "If you looked closely at Dale Steyn, for example, you would have noticed that he had some new highlights in his hair. Similarly, Morne Morkel had a certain glow about him due to the mudpack facials we were forcing him to get every morning, and Robin Peterson had a botox injection to remove stress wrinkles. As a result, our attack was unrecognisable (and not to mention fabulous) and, well, the Aussies didn't know what hit them. You can't say it didn't work."

Eden Gardens curator dons Anna Hazare cap
The curator for the Eden Gardens pitch showed up to the latest of his many press conferences wearing an Anna Hazare cap, and, like the controversial Gandhian social activist, has apparently decided to present himself as a beacon against corruption. "I'm wearing this as a symbol of protest against Dhoni's immoral request for doctored pitches," Prabir Mukherjee declared. "I shall be going on a hunger strike until Indian cricket purges itself of its systemic rot. Please check in on me at regular intervals to make sure that I'm okay."

Meanwhile, a chastened MS Dhoni sought to "clarify" statements he made earlier in the series that he feels might have been misunderstood. "Asking for pitches that turn from the first day was a mistake," he said. "Honestly, it doesn't matter what kind of pitch you play on. As long as it guarantees us a win."

Ponting retirement sparks fall in hand-sanitiser sales
Sales of hand-sanitisers have fallen drastically in Ricky Ponting's hometown of Hobart following the announcement of his retirement. "I guess people finally feel safe enough to shake his hand, having assumed he'll stop spitting in them now that he doesn't have to field anymore," said downcast local shopkeeper Michael Trumbo. "I suppose, on the bright side, we won't see a repeat of the Great Flu Pandemic of 2009," he conceded, referring to the recent worldwide epidemic that scientists have since traced back to a single Ponting handshake at the end of a particularly long day's play.

Tendulkar mulls Ponting retirement
Not surprisingly, Ponting's retirement has also had an effect on one Sachin Tendulkar. "The older you get the more you realise your time in the game is limited, and with Ricky's retirement, I guess it has become clear to me what the right thing to do is," said a reflective Sachin. "So you're all invited to the party I'll be throwing to celebrate his failure to reach my records."

Taylor rues missed "final frontier" speech opportunity
"Is it too late to declare that Sri Lanka was our final frontier?" asked an anxious Ross Taylor shortly after his team's more-successful-than-expected tour of Sri Lanka. "I realise I should have said it before the series started, but how was I supposed to know that we'd beat Sri Lanka in a Test match at home?" he explained. "God**** it, why does captaincy have to be so complicated?"

KP turns to langur-wallah to chase monkey off back
Kevin Pietersen has spoken of his struggles coping with and eventually overcoming the monkey on his back when it comes to playing left-arm spin. After trying various methods to get rid of it, which included trying to starve it, and, when that didn't work, subjecting himself to a botched surgery, KP turned to the more traditional way of frightening away monkeys in certain parts of India: by hiring a langur-wallah.

Bangladesh seek promotion from "minnow" status
Bangladesh might have failed yet again in a Test series, but they have since raced to a lead over West Indies in the limited-overs format. As such, the BCB has decided to submit an application to the ICC to be considered for promotion from "minnow" status. "Clearly, we're no longer the little fish in the pond," said Napoleon-complex sufferer Mushfiqur Rahim. When asked what they'd like to be called instead, Rahim said, "We understand that we're not quite the apex predators of the sea that we aspire to be, but we would like to be thought of as something at least slightly higher up the food chain. How does everyone feel about tuna?"