Technique - it's all so clear

(Two cricket fanatics with their views on world cricket from a Dunedin sofa)

"Mate, it's beautiful up here in Central Otago isn't it?"

"Best part of New Zealand, pal. Molyneux Park, the Oturehua Domain.....these are world-class cricketing venues."

"Absolutely. But I tell you what mate, lying out here, sun pouring down like honey, it sets a man to thinking."

"About what?"

"About the great mystery of life, naturally."

"About why we didn't score enough runs in South Africa?"

"Precisely. I lost a lot of sleep over that one, tossing and turning in the night, staring at the moon. Did you know I went straight up to the cricket academy in Christchurch when the CLEAR Black Caps returned?"

"I didn't know that, no."

"I had a few theories to run up Dayle Hadlee's flagpole to see who was saluting, and I'd like to think I put him right on a few things, well, on one thing specifically."

"One thing?"

"One thing. Technique, mate, you can't succeed without the right technique. And call me old-fashioned, but I don't think they're doing it right at the academy."

"How so?"

"They're teaching cricket technique to cricketers, pal. A zoo monkey can see the folly in that."

"Teaching cricket technique to cricketers is wrong?"

"Absolutely. We're in the new millenium, we have to think laterally. Let me take you through this, watch my lips. Why do cricketers want to play for New Zealand?"

"So they can experience the golf courses of the world."

"You're onto it, mate. And can cricketers play golf?"

"Very few of them can, no."

"In fact, pal, only two - Sir Garfield Sobers and Jeff Crowe. Have you seen Martin Crowe play golf? Forget it, no-one at home. The reason cricketers struggle is they play golf with a cricketer's grip. And you can't do that."

"I'm beginning to see where you are taking this. I remember young Richard Boock, he who now terrorises New Zealand cricket at the Herald. When he was down here they had him up at Balmacewan for months, and he never put a single ball on the fairway."

"Exactly. Cricketer's grip. Fatal. Only army golf can result - left, right, left, right. Now, what's the greatest stroke in cricket?"

"The tonk back over the bowler's head into the stand for six."

"Precisely. Martin Crowe knows this. His inability to play golf led him to invent Cricket Max which is based on a shot he thought no cricketer could play. And it's a shot you can only play with a golfer's grip - the Vs between thumb and forefinger pointing to the right shoulder."

"Played a bit of golf have we?"

"A lot of golf, cobber. You grip a bat with that grip the ball will always soar straight, high and true. Cricket is inexplicably based on crooked shots - look at the field placings. Call me old-fashioned, mate, but I have always believed if you can hit every ball back over the bowler's head for six you will win games."

"You're uncanny, mate, you know that? Uncanny."