Wild Boers? Has a ring, doesn't it?

It's a funny old thing, branding. No sane person in the world reacts to the news that Andersen Consulting is now called Arraviva (or whatever it is) by slapping their hand on their face and saying: "Genius. Brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? The first thing I'm doing tomorrow is calling Arrafisticuffs to arrange a full 360-degree reappraisal of our current business methodology."

You either need a pompous bell-end who can't be fired wandering round your company, suspiciously peeking from behind a clipboard and MicroPod, before announcing the only thing wrong is the staff - but curiously never the chief executive who hired him - or you don't.

Controversially, I can see why Marathon became Snickers. I also understand why political parties need rebranding every five years to escape the cycle of shame and incompetence. But I really can't get why they would try to sex up financial services.

In this vein, when pondering the amazing brand success that isn't, viz the England Unicorns, my meandering thoughts turned to how, though never why, the England Cricket Board might relaunch Brand England.

After all, this England team are now officially world beaters. They've won the Ashes, raced into an impregnable 3-0 lead against the number one ODI side in the world, before generously gifting a couple of dead rubbers to our shell-shocked guests, and are playing with a measure of consistency unmatched since the days of Laker and May. Being British - well, English and Welsh - the brand needs to accentuate the honourable, manly virtues of a proud island nation. We're not going to venerate some sweat-stained green cloth cap, or black one come to that. But it's not as easy as you might think.

The key to rebranding is to find a name that is instantly recognisable. So I began my search by heading straight to the world's leading brand consultant.

Oddly, though, I didn't know the names of any. So I googled them. They're all called things like Okapi Branding or Pyramid Consultants. In an instant I learned the first rule of branding - the name doesn't need to make any sense or in any way be suggestive of the commercial activity being branded.

This is at once a great thing, as nothing need be ruled out, and a terrible thing. There are over 200,000 words in the Collins English Dictionary and a further 800,000 unofficial words doing the rounds on the internet (I didn't count them - someone at WikiAnswers did that for me).

But happily for mankind, social networking ensures you no longer have to do the job yourself. Simply ask your friends. I put the question on Twitter and within minutes was deluged with responses.

A fine collection they were too. Many went for the easy jibe and suggested Springboks, Kolpaks and South Africa A. I like what they're doing there, but really it should be more like Any South Africans Who Didn't Reckon They Could Get Into Their Own Team But Should Actually Have Waited Because After All They're Still Picking Paul Harris.

Animals also got a good look in, following the Kiwis and Tigers examples. The England Great Tits has a lovely ring to it, as does the England and Wales Badgers. These mighty creatures are, like Roy Jones Jr, and Don Curry before him, pound for pound the toughest animals on earth. I know this for a fact after befriending a dry stone waller in Blackburn. But the best on this theme might be one that incorporates the Saffer tendency whilst acknowledging the recency of the animals' arrival in England. So I shall proffer the England Wild Boers.

Imperialism also featured heavily, with Mint Imperials, Empire Biscuits, English Empire, Dreadnoughts, Slayers, and my favourite in this category, The Empire Strokes Back.

One Celtic friend had a category all to himself, which can be summed up as "Irish with chip on shoulder" and therefore we were given the England Boozers, Binge Drinkers, We Are England No One Likes Us We Don't Care, and 'Ave it. The more gloomy and cynical - and therefore English amongst my friends - opted for Questionables, Fragilities, and Capitulates.

But none of these suggestions felt quite right. Demoralised and out of ideas, I was left to ponder why the ECB gave the England Lions brand to the 2nd XI. It is by far the best and most obvious solution. But I fear the answer provided by an Australian friend is probably spot-on with his lengthy and inevitable The NPower/British Airways/Daily Mail/Test Match Special/England Vodaphones. With a brand like that, suddenly all those people who never knew they liked cricket will leave their garden centres and Formula 1 tracks, their football grounds and antique auctions, their national trust homes and PlayStations, and come flocking to watch England play cricket. Or at least that's what the chap at Arravivache is telling Giles Clarke right now.