Gender swapping and long tongues
Will Luke looks back at The Week That Was
Will Luke
16-Jul-2006
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Calling all failed international cricketers
Averaging under 30? Weighed down by the lack of prospects with your country? Don't call Claims Direct; visit your nearest plastic surgeon. That's right. Rid yourself of Mr Johnson and welcome on board his best friend for the ICC are now accepting gender-changed men to play women's cricket. We can't dampen our suspicion that this ruling has been in force for a number of years but rumour has it the law is relatively new. So look out for, how shall we say, taller, rather hairier female cricketers bowling at 10mph more than they really ought to be.
Averaging under 30? Weighed down by the lack of prospects with your country? Don't call Claims Direct; visit your nearest plastic surgeon. That's right. Rid yourself of Mr Johnson and welcome on board his best friend for the ICC are now accepting gender-changed men to play women's cricket. We can't dampen our suspicion that this ruling has been in force for a number of years but rumour has it the law is relatively new. So look out for, how shall we say, taller, rather hairier female cricketers bowling at 10mph more than they really ought to be.
Smashing shot, boyo
Cricket offers plenty of punnage opportunities and innuendoes. Dropping "fine leg" into a conversation outside a cricket ground will either land you a great weekend in a secluded country hotel, or more likely a sentence for sexual provocation. "My third man is too wide" will do much worse. None of this matters, though. When cricket balls force themselves through windows and land in the commentators' laps, the temptation for "Smashing shot, that" headlines are all too tempting. Yet it happened last week. In a Twenty20 Cup match between Glamorgan and Gloucestershire last Monday at Cardiff, Richard Grant launched an almighty six. "That's coming up towards us," Richard Bevan, a BBC commentator, said on radio. "It's come through the commentary box." Remarking on the potentially paneful (sorry) experience, Bevan said: "Steve Watkin had the old adage: keep your eye on the ball always. He did it, I didn't - I ducked for cover."
Cricket offers plenty of punnage opportunities and innuendoes. Dropping "fine leg" into a conversation outside a cricket ground will either land you a great weekend in a secluded country hotel, or more likely a sentence for sexual provocation. "My third man is too wide" will do much worse. None of this matters, though. When cricket balls force themselves through windows and land in the commentators' laps, the temptation for "Smashing shot, that" headlines are all too tempting. Yet it happened last week. In a Twenty20 Cup match between Glamorgan and Gloucestershire last Monday at Cardiff, Richard Grant launched an almighty six. "That's coming up towards us," Richard Bevan, a BBC commentator, said on radio. "It's come through the commentary box." Remarking on the potentially paneful (sorry) experience, Bevan said: "Steve Watkin had the old adage: keep your eye on the ball always. He did it, I didn't - I ducked for cover."
Marriage versus cricket
Your first day at school; your first kiss; your first pay packet; your wedding; the ever-rising price of petrol, cigarettes and beer: these are the things that really matter. Not cricket. Even us hardened hacks and willow-bashing addicts can admit as much. Robert Key, the Kent captain and England batsman, clearly disagrees with such lily-livered sentiments as he cancelled his own wedding in the name of his country. "When she told me the original date I saw there was an England A fixture coming up, and I thought it was touch and go whether I'd be playing so I said we'd better call that off." As it was, he was not only selected but was named captain too, and made an excellent hundred. Fleur, his blushing fiancée, continues to fire potential dates at him but, as yet, bat-and-ball is beating church-and-cakes hands down.
Your first day at school; your first kiss; your first pay packet; your wedding; the ever-rising price of petrol, cigarettes and beer: these are the things that really matter. Not cricket. Even us hardened hacks and willow-bashing addicts can admit as much. Robert Key, the Kent captain and England batsman, clearly disagrees with such lily-livered sentiments as he cancelled his own wedding in the name of his country. "When she told me the original date I saw there was an England A fixture coming up, and I thought it was touch and go whether I'd be playing so I said we'd better call that off." As it was, he was not only selected but was named captain too, and made an excellent hundred. Fleur, his blushing fiancée, continues to fire potential dates at him but, as yet, bat-and-ball is beating church-and-cakes hands down.
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Fashionable to be fashionable
Expect the rivalry between international teams to take on an added intensity henceforth, as the India team have agreed to be fitted out in designer suits by the Italian fashion house Canali which has us shaking our hand-me-down heads in dismay. What has happened to the professional cricketer? There was a time, especially in England, where the arrival of the national cricket team at Heathrow, back from a bruising 3-1 bashing in Australia and draped only in humiliation, would be met by one lonesome photographer and a sprinkling of grey-jacketed autograph-hunters with bottle-top spectacles. As for cricketers' attire, never has more attention been paid to their off-field clobber. At least we can rely on New Zealand to dust off their beige monstrosities and restore form.
Expect the rivalry between international teams to take on an added intensity henceforth, as the India team have agreed to be fitted out in designer suits by the Italian fashion house Canali which has us shaking our hand-me-down heads in dismay. What has happened to the professional cricketer? There was a time, especially in England, where the arrival of the national cricket team at Heathrow, back from a bruising 3-1 bashing in Australia and draped only in humiliation, would be met by one lonesome photographer and a sprinkling of grey-jacketed autograph-hunters with bottle-top spectacles. As for cricketers' attire, never has more attention been paid to their off-field clobber. At least we can rely on New Zealand to dust off their beige monstrosities and restore form.
I have a very long tongue
Disgraced members of parliament making headlines more often than not reside in Britain, but it's to Australia where our scorn is turned with the news of MP Len Kiely's rather long tongue and equally big mouth. Kiely has been forced to resign from his duties following an altercation with a female security guard at a match between Australia A and Pakistan A on Tuesday. One of the remarks allegedly made to the woman, 61, was "I have a very long tongue and I could use it on you and make you a very happy woman." Naturally he denies the whole affair: "I'm not saying I was so drunk I can't remember, I'm saying that those particular comments that were attributed to me I don't recollect making."
Disgraced members of parliament making headlines more often than not reside in Britain, but it's to Australia where our scorn is turned with the news of MP Len Kiely's rather long tongue and equally big mouth. Kiely has been forced to resign from his duties following an altercation with a female security guard at a match between Australia A and Pakistan A on Tuesday. One of the remarks allegedly made to the woman, 61, was "I have a very long tongue and I could use it on you and make you a very happy woman." Naturally he denies the whole affair: "I'm not saying I was so drunk I can't remember, I'm saying that those particular comments that were attributed to me I don't recollect making."
Quote hanger
"Perhaps after Bell's momentous hundred, they will name an end at Lord's after him." Paul Butler, emailing Cricinfo's commentary team during the first Test between England and Pakistan at Lord's, has tabloid journalists licking their lips in glee at the prospect of the Nursery End being renamed.
"Perhaps after Bell's momentous hundred, they will name an end at Lord's after him." Paul Butler, emailing Cricinfo's commentary team during the first Test between England and Pakistan at Lord's, has tabloid journalists licking their lips in glee at the prospect of the Nursery End being renamed.
Will Luke is editorial assistant of Cricinfo