'I am watching so better make it worthwhile'

Wonder what Jimmy Neesham's on about here?

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Could it have been a foolish review in the India v England Test?

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No, it was, of course, the US election.

But he did have one positive thing to say about the winner.

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And now another horror story. Skip past this tweet if you're the sensitive sort.

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Harrowing.

We use quite a lot of KP's tweets in this column. As of now, we consider this a personal service for Ed Cowan.

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So here you go, Ed. Aside from the coffee catastrophe (Cofftastrophee? Catastrocoffee?) KP's been training - although he didn't seem to be fully into it.

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Chris Gayle's mind didn't seem fully on the job either.

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Perhaps, as Tim Bresnan says…

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Perhaps Gayle was just weary from all the self-promotion.

When you're sitting around in your own bar and feel the need to tweet about it, there's only one thing to brandish…

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… a copy of your autobiography.

You don't need to do the hard yards in the gym to justify a selfie anyway. If you're a cricketer, all you need to do is board a flight.

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Or if you're Umar Akmal, you've long since transcended the need for selfie excuses. These days they just pour out in a veritable torrent with no justification for any of them.

This week his default standing-in-the-garden-wearing-sunglasses pic has been given an innovative twist. He's experimenting with standing slightly at an angle.

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Innovative.

Meanwhile, old lags Younis and Misbah are still labouring under the misapprehension that they need to have been engaged in some kind of activity to warrant a photo.

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You don't need props, lads - although if they make Younis look like the happiest man on earth, then maybe it's worth it after all.

Providing people with a window into their personal lives is one reason why it's not uncommon for celebrities to attract stalkers. However, it's less common for a celebrity to begin stalking a member of the public.

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Have a productive day! That's a demand. He's watching you. He's watching you and the other 12.5 million people who follow him on Twitter.

He'll even watch you in the dark.

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Somewhere in the world there is always a cricketer complaining about air travel.

Stuart Broad had a request before James Anderson boarded.

And don't forget to take a selfie.