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Why Monty did it
In which we speculate on what might make a man urinate on others
Alex Bowden
08-Aug-2013
I have a cat called Monty who suffers from bladder-control problems. Actually that's misleading. I've every reason to believe he is in full control of what happens. I still recall the look in his eye as he firmly held my gaze while drenching the DVD player. It said: "Here's my review of season three of Breaking Bad", or something like that.
I always assumed that he did this because he is a cat. I never for one minute considered that he might do it because he is a Monty. I am now questioning my reasoning after my cat's namesake, sometime England spinner Monty Panesar, also found himself in trouble for the way in which he chooses to discharge urine.
Panesar did his own idiosyncratic version of the sprinkler from atop Brighton promenade down onto the heads of some nightclub bouncers. Unlike Monty the cat (I'd call him Monty Bowden if that wouldn't risk confusion with the 19th-century England captain of that name, with whose urinary habits I am far less familiar), Panesar had been thrown out prior to relieving himself, rather than immediately afterwards. It seems the act was a consequence of his ejection, not a cause.
Full post'Pippa Middleton' writes
Socialite files a report on the latest cricketular action
As told to Alan Tyers
05-Aug-2013
I had so many lovely responses for my recent Vanity Fair column explaining everything about cricket that I was asked to try my hand at reviewing the current Ashes cricket game at Manchester, which is a city somewhere in the north of England. Here goes!
As I said in Vanity Fair, "You don't have to understand cricket to enjoy it." It's really good to see that lots of people are totally with me on this, with some of them even going on to be the umpires in this actual cricket game. Because cricket has so many complicated rules, the umpires on the field (JARGON ALERT! "The field" is the technical name for the field on which all the cricket is happening) can phone a friend to help them with difficult decisions.
So there is a third umpire (MATHS ALARM! There are two umpires on the "field" [see above] and one watching on TV, so that obviously makes three umpires and the one watching on TV is the third umpire. Phew! No more maths homework, I promise!) replaying all the big moments on a TV screen or most probably an iPhone, to help make sure that everyone gets a fair chance. As I was saying to Umpire Dharmasena only the other day at a Jenny Packham pre-season warm-up, all these catches and leg before wickets (don't ask, srsly!) are enough to give a girl a headache, and he was very much of the same opinion.
Full postIrfan's travels in Lilliputistan
The tall tale of the giant who renewed a nation's hopes
R Rajkumar
02-Aug-2013
It is a time-honoured quirk of Lilliputistan cricket that some of its best players have also been their least likely, in that these legends of the game owe their careers to being plucked from the obscurity of the streets by a chance encounter, or what amounts to little more than the sheer dumb luck of being in the right place at the right time.
But perhaps no tale is more spectacular and unbelievable than that of the latest name to make itself from such typically improbable circumstances. Indeed, the story of Mohammad Irfan has already become the stuff of legend, so much so that they have started teaching it in literature classes.
When terrified villagers first spotted the monstrously large fast bowler washed up and unconscious on a beach a few years ago, not many knew what to make of what they had found; certainly none suspected that the sleeping giant (literally, at the time) would go on to wake and become Lilliputistan's first genuine fast bowler in what feels like a long time.
Full post'Royal baby named Stuart Broad until he walks!'
Crisp social commentary, the arrival on Twitter of Mitchell Johnson, and a minor squabble
Alex Bowden
01-Aug-2013
The apology
Graeme Swann felt sufficient shame to apologise to Chris Rogers after his hideous full toss resulted in a most bizarre lbw dismissal during the second Test.
Graeme Swann felt sufficient shame to apologise to Chris Rogers after his hideous full toss resulted in a most bizarre lbw dismissal during the second Test.
Dunno. It seemed to work quite well. Try it again.
Full postA guide to Manchester, for David Warner
How to enjoy Old Trafford and its surrounds without causing too much damage
Alan Tyers
31-Jul-2013
All right, David lad!
We here at the Manchester Tourism Committee are right excited you might be coming for a game of cricket at Old Trafford. We'd like to welcome you to our great city and hope the following suggestions will help you make the best of your stay.
We don't go in much for Jägerbombs in Manchester, but don't miss out on a pint of JW Lees Bitter. Some say it's a bit of an acquired taste, but we know you'll give it a right good crack.
Full postRoot fails to come of age
Also revealed: the story behind Pattinson's injury, and Cook's plans for a tattoo
R Rajkumar
26-Jul-2013
Root fails to come of age despite Ashes heroics
Despite being named Man of the Match for his all-round performance in the second Test against Australia, baby-faced batsman Joe Root is reportedly yet to come of age. "We've been monitoring his upper lip for fresh sprouts of new hair ever since his 180 in the second Test, but so far we've got nothing, nada, zilch," said Andy Flower.
Despite being named Man of the Match for his all-round performance in the second Test against Australia, baby-faced batsman Joe Root is reportedly yet to come of age. "We've been monitoring his upper lip for fresh sprouts of new hair ever since his 180 in the second Test, but so far we've got nothing, nada, zilch," said Andy Flower.
"It's weird, because normally for such an important, potentially career-defining innings you ordinarily wouldn't have to think twice about using a phrase like 'come of age', or at the very least, words like 'mature' and 'developed' to describe the person in question. In Joe's case, however, he seems to have very much remained a barely pubescent child even after the fact," said a worried Flower.
Amit Mishra on verge of some kind of mid-life crisis
The much-emphasised youthfulness of India's team in Zimbabwe appears to have taken its toll on one man who has suddenly started to feel his age. As his team-mates frolicked and gambolled about like young colts at pasture during a practice session at the Harare Sports Club, Amit Mishra looked on from the sidelines and wondered how frighteningly fast life seemed to have passed him by.
Full postThe much-emphasised youthfulness of India's team in Zimbabwe appears to have taken its toll on one man who has suddenly started to feel his age. As his team-mates frolicked and gambolled about like young colts at pasture during a practice session at the Harare Sports Club, Amit Mishra looked on from the sidelines and wondered how frighteningly fast life seemed to have passed him by.
What connects Watson and Broad?
Both are blond, have appeared naked in magazines, and wouldn't know a valid use of a DRS review if it came up and said hello. What's not to hate?
Alex Bowden
25-Jul-2013
Stuart Broad and Shane Watson have much in common. Blond cricketers who can bat and bowl, both seem to draw hatred from opposition fans and even from many of their own team's supporters. Why is this?
Physical appearance
Shane Watson is basically a big sack of pectorals, biceps and triceps peppered with emotional fragility and bound up with a faint air of melancholy. He looks like he cares what he looks like. Or, more accurately, he looks like he cares what he looks like to the detriment of his cricket. Surely all that time spent waxing his chest would be better spent learning how to keep his left leg out of the path of the ball.
Shane Watson is basically a big sack of pectorals, biceps and triceps peppered with emotional fragility and bound up with a faint air of melancholy. He looks like he cares what he looks like. Or, more accurately, he looks like he cares what he looks like to the detriment of his cricket. Surely all that time spent waxing his chest would be better spent learning how to keep his left leg out of the path of the ball.
Stuart Broad has a different physique. His body is that of a grossly oversized puppet made out of staircase spindles. However, he has the genetic misfortune of having the kind of head that everyone other than those with particularly unsavoury political inclinations takes against. Blond and boyish, he somehow manages to look clean-shaven even when he has stubble. It's hard to avoid the feeling that his petulance is overcompensation for this innocent appearance.
Full postClarke gets some handy advice
Don't quite know who stands where on the whole saga? This primer will helpDarkest ebb? Fear not, a clutch of Aussie legends is at hand
Alan Tyers
22-Jul-2013
Michael Clarke surveyed the Lord's dressing room. He felt empty. Thin. Like too little suncream smeared over too much deceptively powerful forearm. Nothing seemed to give him any pleasure these days. He reached into his kitbag and pulled out a tube of Pup Signature MetroMan Sport Moisturiser, the very first men's cosmetic product he had endorsed, all those years ago. Good times.
Simpler times.
Just batting, Bingle, grooming and trying to get an "At Home" photospread in G'Day Magazine.
Full post'Have you ever met a hater doing better than you'?
Biscuits, phone calls, roadworks. Also, the Ashes
Alex Bowden
19-Jul-2013
The déja vu
A close finish to the first Test, but Brett Lee had been there before.
A close finish to the first Test, but Brett Lee had been there before.
"Where's Freddie ? I need a hug #ashes"
@BrettLee_58
@BrettLee_58
The first-Test preparation
Graeme Swann's baby daughter apparently got him into the right spirit ahead of the game.
Full postGraeme Swann's baby daughter apparently got him into the right spirit ahead of the game.
How to improve the DRS immeasurably
The review system is simply not sophisticated, but fear not, help is at hand
Sidin Vadukut
18-Jul-2013
The first Test match of the Ashes 2013 (Part A) has now concluded. And what a celebration of tail-end batting it has been! And how close the eventual outcome! Is there any doubt left in anybody's mind that Australia are capable of winning something in the course of this series? I think not.
Ashton Agar, of course, is the new it-boy of international cricket. We all watched him fend off wave after wave of English aggression, with a near-constant impish smile plastered on his face. Oh, how I wanted - we all wanted - to drive a large commercial vehicle back and forth into his face a few times. God, he is going to become one of those unbearable, lawless Aussies who writes biographies that diss Sachin. You just know it.
But the first Test match also leaves us with several pertinent questions:
Full post
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